News from these months

Well, again there’s nothing that enraged me enough to warrant a full post, so here’s some new stuff that happened lately.

The Shisha Messe Frankfurt was amazing

I don’t even know what to cover but here’s a small scoop:

• For an enthusiast convention, it was kinda disappointing to see how bad people are at heat management. I got in there like an hour after the doors opened and most bowls were burned, especially on all the stands that had blonde tasting.
• Germans are FUCKING.AWESOME at planning ahead. Imagine this huge hangar with like 500 hookahs going on and on and on and people smoking like crazy, yet the air was perfectly fine and the temperature was actually on the “cool” side.
• Zummeret might be a decent brand but they decided to have a stand with like 30 hookahs and no one to actually tend to the bowls. Every single one was burned.
• Chaos Tobacco was more interested in sub-par women shaking their questionable assets over loud music than showing why they’re supposed to be a leader in the German shisha market.
• Speaking of the German shisha market, there’s an overwhelmingly large number of brands that are the same shisha with different labels and that basically taste “non-descript sweet” 25 minutes in.
• Darkside stand was LIT AF and the Russians just freaking blew everyone out of the water.
• Fumari stand was hard to get to, but at least i got one of their rooks. It’s cute little thing that’s lower capacity than a regular rook but higher than the mini rook.
• Zomo stand was amazingly well run for a place with 3 people on the selling side and there wasn’t much of a queue although people kept buying.
• Social Smoke had the most interesting buying experience, where you’d go on the side, place an order, then they’d go back and bring you a locked bag like it was some fucking couture weed buying and not getting a can of overpriced shisha (sorry, guys, i like your Blue Raspberry, but you charged for 100g the same amount as everyone else charged for 200g).
• Maridan wasn’t there and I had to get some from other places. I have not found a blonde as good as this, ever.
• B2’s stand was surprisingly small, but well thought. The v2s up for display came in a range of colours, like purple, green and blue, which made me remember why i bought mine in the first place. I met the dudes there and they were amazingly nice and I can’t stress this enough, they let me fanboy over a precious cut and listened to my whining about not being able to buy separate PCC pieces. Still no grommets, though. I also got a semi sneak peek at the Kilo Bowl (more on it below!), in the sense that I saw it 10 meters away while they were smoking out of it on an F-22 and kept asking myself “how the fuck did they get a pink helyx?”
• I’ll be back next year, and my wallet’s already sighing loudly.

Alpaca “Illuminati” bowl hasn’t landed yet

While their tri-faceted bowl is still probably in the works or something, they did grace us with another product, which is their “First ever USA handmade ceramic substitute for foil”.

This biscuit is fucking moldy.

Now where do I start about this little thing that’s probably gonna supply a steady income due to it seeming to have the structural integrity of an octogenarian’s hip. It doesn’t even look like it’s gonna work very well, it’s like a screen that gives less heat. Nevermind the buzzword bingo with it being “USA” and “handmade”, which is something that has become the staple of overpriced items lately on the market, let’s focus on another buzzword that’s very fashionable these days, “first”. I would like to point you towards a video that’s dated three years ago:

This one even has a lip!~

This clip of HookahJohn’s “bowl gadget” even shows how awfully inefficient these are. And on that note, since we love talking about bowl copying in the hookah world and how little we should all stand it, let’s have another look at a HJ video from 3 years ago:

Jump to 1:52 for the treat

B2 announces two new products

Along with another release of PCC pokers, which I hope they’ll trim nicely this time around, B2 has announced a bowl, namely the “Kilo” bowl.

Have you left your fleshlight in the sun?

Now, I know I bash on B2 a lot, even though I met them at the Frankfurt Messe and they were nothing but nice to me, but this particular release gets me all giddy. This THICC BOI is nothing short of a beauty without even seeing it fully. The B2 Facebook page is teasing the “Take a guess at why we named it the kilo bowl” bit, and I hope to God it doesn’t actually weigh a kilo, because that automatically kills the gravity center for a whole range of minis and it also will mess up their international reach even more. No pictures were revealed with the inside, but I’ll assume it’s just a phunnel with maybe some gimmicky channels or stuff to stop people from saying they copied… well, phunnel bowls.

Update: finally a picture with the center emerges. It looks like a very nice, simple, bowl. I love that.

Looks like it has the depth of a predator with a wider diameter, that will work well with darks.

In another release that was just announced on the lowkey on some FB group I’m in, B2 continues their war against grommets. Since the point is to not supply a 50c grommet with your 300$ purchase, there’s a new redesigned hose connector out there to eliminate the need for a grommet. There wasn’t much said besides a picture, but I assume it’s for the F-22.

HookahJohn releases a new hose

It’s called the SoSo hose (probably has some meaning like the SAOCCA did) and at least it’s easy to pronounce. It’s a stainless handle that can be “treated”, which isn’t such a bad look for the industrial-style hookah heads.

https://hookahjohn.com

I like that the end is shaped so you can put mouthtips like the eclipse over it (or even the B2 tips which are basically pieces of hose, lol), but it seems like it’s got a good heft to it – 0.8 lbs is what I think John said? That’s 360 grams, which is quite heavy. The MYA aluminum hose handle has 245 grams and it’s already quite unwieldy. Maybe the weight distribution makes it more comfortable. Speaking of heft, this is a cool $64.99 for the whole hose, which I think includes the hose connector that grommetlessly fits on the SAOCCA. Cause that’s what the hookah scene needs, less grommets.

This is however the third HJ product in a row that’s aimed at the high end. It seems like HookahJohn is moving away from the “elevating the average joe’s sessions” mantra with what used to be amazing price/quality ratio products (and affordable, to boot!) and slowly inching in the “premium” market. On one hand, it saddens me, but on the other I can’t blame him. There’s a lot of money in the scene right now and why the fuck would anybody sit idly while others cash in on hype.

Oduman announces a new HMD

Oduman are the guys that actually made HMDs available to us poorer folks without inhaling aliexpress fumes. At the Messe they showed off their Oduman Monster HMD

Well, it certainly looks monstery

The top has just a small hole so it looks like this is going to be a “on/off” kinda thing in terms of the range of possibilities, and I have my doubt about the coals not blacking out. Not sure about the price, but I don’t expect it to break the bank, unless they wanna slap “artisan” in the description somewhere. You can see a small clip on this webstagram link that google gave me. There’s also a chance they were actually trying to show off the hookah since i have no clue what model that is. It seems like another one of those “travel” hookahs that don’t hold enough water.

New Bowl brand emerging

You can follow EA Empire Hookah Bowls on Facebook to see what they’ll be up to. At the moment it’s more of a project, and I know I said I’m not gonna rant on small emerging companies/individuals, but of course they slapped “artisan” on it, because why the fuck not. That being said, I wish them luck.

Zahrah Ringer is out

Not completely sure how new this is in all due fairness, but it’s here, it’s cute, it works well and it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. Rookies making cheaper beautiful hookahs without calling them “artisan rings made in the USA” or something.

I apparently stole this pic from HookahJunkie. I’m sorry and thanks.

The SAOCCA and the Precious cut poker

I’m not gonna go through the full HookahJohn history, because if by now you don’t know who HJ is, my blog won’t be much help anyways. Let’s just say that aside from Alpaca it’s the only producer in U.S. of reasonably priced bowls with great performance. Most are around the 20-25$ range, and while I prefer grabbing my Goodfella/Rook over the Harmony, my mini rook only gets used if my 80ft80 is dirty/wet, and I couldn’t find anything that smokes modern blondes for one round of coals better than an 80ft+provost combo. But that’s me. He also has coals, hoses and other stuff in that same performance/price ratio that’s just so, so sweet.

Well, he used to. In what looks like a reverse move from the ones from Shishabucks, it seems that HookahJohn just looked at the market and saw this:

Also slap “artisanal” on it, please.

First up, came the Knurl hose. This beast has a whooping 1.75lbs (793 grams!!!) weight and a not-so sleek look, making it probably useful for household protection or disciplining the neighbor’s dog.

Happy Knurl hose buyers, 2018, colorized.

Along with the heft of the handle, also comes a hefty, hefty $80 price tag. It comes in 4 models, each more baton-like than the other.

Available soon on http://monkeydungeon.com

Afterwards, the SAOCCA finally landed. The name comes from “Santa Ana, Orange County, CAlifornia” which is allegedly where these were made. It’s also just a great marketing move since it sounds foreign, I guess. Let’s have a look, shall we? In the words of the man himself:

Every time he says “SAOCCA” it sounds like he’s in a loud club asking for some exotic shot.

The SAOCCA is an anodized aluminum threaded hookah, CNC-ed, with a unique purge. All in all, a solid 2019 hookah. It has a bunch of colour variants, which is to say each piece has 3 colours (black, gold and silver) and then they were mix-and-matched.

Except for the inner heart part. That one seems to be gold all-round

The looks aren’t necessarily amazing to me and while the bowl port looks a bit… uncircumcised, it’s actually a very nice touch. It’s raised so you have a bit of space between the tray and the bottom of the bowl so if you want to go bowl-chained-with-bowl you can grab the current one from the least hot section easily. I very much dig it. The stem is pretty solid, it has a knurl-ish look that actually makes sense, the hose port is matched with the knurl to the point where you don’t need a grommet anymore. That sounds cool until you realize that this means there’s a chance your old-school leather hose with a wooden connector that you have specifically for double apple/pan raas might not fit.

The tray has little bumps so your coals won’t go black which is a pretty nifty touch and avoids needing to have it made from two parts or with any cuts. However, the overall design feels… unfinished.

At least you could say your tray’s radioactive?

I’m also bummed about the lack of versatility in the looks. You can’t really match it with much. Unless you grab it in full-black, you’re not gonna be able to fit a gorgeous purple Egermann and maybe a resin hose in a visually pleasing manner. Not even a revolutionary artisanal base that would fit both moderns and tradis. These feel primed to be the reason for you to also get a Czech Mate base.

And then there’s the price. OH THE PRICE. $290 for stem+tray. That’s some B2-level pricing and I never expected something like this from HookahJohn, but then again it kinda makes sense in the current market to price your product along the competition. But that’s a bit too steep for my taste. I don’t see it as completely implausible to see this video sometime in September though:

“Hey everyone, it’s John here from HookahJohn.com. I have some exciting news. You asked, we listened. I have people coming in the store every day go like <<John, this is amazing, but I wish I could afford one>>, people online are trying to find used ones for cheaper. Well, today, I’m revealing to you the Hookahjohn SAOCCA Sensation ‘Stravaganza, for a whole month, they’ll be 150. shows his SAOCCA he’s smoking out of. For just a hundred and fifty dollars you get the stem, the tray and you can match it with a czech mate base for another 90$. 100% American-made, aerograde anodized aluminum, for $150. That’s crazy, I know. Will I make money out of it? I probably won’t make much money out of it. shot of John going to a warehouse area with about 30 or 40 SAOCCAs in view. These are all that are left. Where are you? Where are you? points to guy working in warehouse Do you have a SAOCCA yet? looks at camera He doesn’t have a SAOCCA yet. I’ll give you one and keep it from your salary. Laughs exactly twice, while moving back to his office and sitting at his desk So yeah, guys, SAOCCAs, 150 dollars. Only at HookahJohn.com”

In other news on the other side of the “yeah, 250 for stem + tray seems kinda _low_, you get me?”, the F-22 is still in the pre-sale phase, but no worries! They just released the B2 Precious Cut Collection Pokers ! These have been teased over social media for the past few weeks.

Well, they arrived, and the shocking news is the picture above wasn’t a blank, it’s what actually is a $40 poker. Let that sink in. A fourty. Dollar. Poker. That’s shaped like this. What.the.fuck.

It’s not the price. It’s an artisan one-of-a-kind precious cut collection piece. So if it costs 40 bucks… well, it costs 40 bucks. Though there’s a case that a werkbund poker is 15 euros, even though you’ll need to sharpen it if you want really really tiny holes. The B2 pokers have that covered, to their defense.

But can the PCC poker also be used as a shiv?

The problem with this one is that it doesn’t give you much control. Here’s a thought experiment. Which foil pattern looks more like what you’d expect from someone that cares so much about his bowl packing experience that he’s getting a 40 dollar poker?

And this was done with some regular cooking foil, but we use hookah-grade foil. Here’s the same two techniques, but with that son-of-a-bitch foil:

In both cases, the patterns were poked with the same Fumari poker i’ve had since the end of 2011. The diference between the left ones and the right ones is that the left patterns were made with resting the side of my palm on the bowl, while the right were made with no support.

The good results on the right ones are just a testament to my awesome skills, but the thing is that people that want those sexy sexy patterns need to steady their hands by resting it on the edge of the bowl. This isn’t comfortable if possible at all with this toothpick-stuck-in-a-bar-of-soap kinda design. And it’s those sexy sexy patterns that you’d expect someone that spends 40 dollars on a poker to want on their bowl. If you’re at the point where you want to elevate your process to the point where you want an artisanal foil poker, you probably won’t be want your hole punching pattern to look like it’s a 4-week-kept-in cumshot from a masturbator with shaky hands. If you are, though, you can do it really fast with this little treat that circulated over social media, as well:

Just smash this a bunch of times and you’re good to go, Wolverine

To a lesser (yet still way beyond what would be in any way acceptable) ridiculousness, there’s this little baby that’s actually for sale on the website:

You can poke twice as fast now!

What the fuck even is this?! Does any actual hookah enthusiast ever want to poke more than one hole at a time? Especially in a time when average foil users are switching to HMDs that remove the need for foil altogether, while the foil enthusiasts are never going to actually go for this kind of mosntrosity? Are we trying to make the ebay poker shit artisanal now?

These utter blasphemies from plastic and metal

The question now is if we haven’t reached the point in the hookah scene where we don’t even think about our purchases and just throw our money at whatever “artisanal” manufacturers put out. This release of basically unprocessed blanks with a needle (or fucking more, while we’re at it, they’re literally a few cents a pop) in them is to me a slap in the face, a “should we throw these out, boss? nah, bro, stick a needle in them and sell them for like… 30? 40 for the bigger one”. To be honest, I’m done with getting stuff from B2 now. I really like my v2 and really wanted to buy more stuff for it, or get a full PCC at one point, but now… I’m gonna go Russian.